I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
