i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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