life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
home. puking in laundry basket.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
