I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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