There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
