GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
