I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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