You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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