i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
