Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
