If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
