Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
