Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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