I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
