I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
