i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
