dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.