I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
