I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
