seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
