so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
