Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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