The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
