so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
