I can tuck mytits in my pants
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
