so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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