____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
