I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The best revenge is premature balding
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
