i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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