I am midnight drunk by noon
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I want her autograph on my taint
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
