I will die if light touches me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
