well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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