lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
