I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
