if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
