party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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