Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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