theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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