he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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