How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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