at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
