i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
