Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
