So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
