i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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