Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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