i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
