anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
