You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
