All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
