I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
