Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Someone signed my nipple.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
