I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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