I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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