woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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