If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
