The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
