I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
