im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
