where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
