A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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